Don't Text Me
by wingedmercury
Summary: He wants to tell her that he misses her, but he can't because dark force users don't miss their arch nemesis. What would Darth Vader do? Reylo Crack—seven chapters in seven days for the Valentine's Day Show Me the Love Challenge.
1. Chapter One: Stalker-ish

Hi friends! As part of **Fanofthisfiction's** V-Day "Show me the Love Challenge," I will be posting one new chapter of this fic every day for a week. That's a lot of Reylo :D I'm obsessed with "The Last Jedi" (I think I might have seen it nine times in theaters, but it could be more, I lost track), so I'm super stoked to write this fic for you.

 **This is Star Warz Reylo crack, with multiple side pairings in various galaxies.** Rated "T" for language and some suggestive scenes, but you know me, everything stays pretty PG-13 around here.

 **There are a ton of cool authors participating in this week-long Valentine's challenge** **across fandoms and genres,** so when you are done reading here, be sure to check out bingbin, een nihc, fanofthisfiction, fricasee, Fxreflies, ibloo, Kaze and Kiba, Lady Rini, Lady The Warrior, mississippimudpiecraves, misspandalily, Pixie07, Poodie, rainyrhapsody, RushiAei, Sakura's Unicorn, Tuvstarr's lost heart, Unicorn Paige, yara9292, and YenGirl.

 _Fic image is "reylo" by 1funn from Weasyl._

* * *

OPENING CREDITS (picture this at a forty-five-degree slant in gold text over a background of star garbage)

In Fine Print: _No animals were harmed in the making of this fic. Only General Hux._

(Cue the opening theme: Do! Do do do! Do do do do do do do!)

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, Kylo Ren, dreaded dark force user and master of the Knights of Ren, now Supreme Leader Emperor Dictator Narcissist Bully of the Galaxy, wonders why he still doesn't like himself and is unhappy. To that end, he has hired three therapists, two of whom are already dead from force choking.

Meanwhile, at the new rebel base, Rey, budding Jedi for the good guys and all-around nice person who deserves so much more than that piece of space trash dark force user, is trying to figure out how to block psychic and actual calls, texts, Facetime, and all means of communication from Kylo Ren, who is starting to get pretty stalker-ish….

#

It's Tuesday, and like every Tuesday, Kylo Ren is getting his chest waxed at the Knights of Ren spa. It's been lonely since he killed off Snoke's bodyguards; not that he liked the red fuckers. But it's boring getting your chest waxed with only spa robots for company.

He should be ruling the galaxy with Rey at his side. But Rey stole his lightsaber (It should be his! He deserves that much from his bastard of an uncle!) and ran off.

But she must like him. After all, she didn't kill him when he was passed out from the explosion of ripping apart Luke's lightsaber, which is what he would have done had their situations been reversed. It's a sign.

"She's the only one who really understands me," he tells the faceless robot as it yanks up another strip of wiry chest hair.

The robot nods noncommittally.

"I mean, I don't get it. I'm powerful. I'm the most powerful man in the galaxy. And I'm good-looking. I am good-looking, aren't I?"

The robot yanks another strip, nods.

Maybe it is that his shoulders are too broad, that his head is disproportionately small compared to the rest of his body. It could be the high-waisted leather pants—do they make him look fat?

The robot sets more wax strips while Kylo broods. Suddenly, the answer hits him like a lightsaber to the face—there can be only one reason why Rey left him, and it certainly isn't because of any of Kylo's failings, because he doesn't have any. She must be in love with somebody else!

Without hesitating, Kylo reaches out to Rey with the force—

And is slapped away.

Undeterred, Kylo takes out his phone and texts: _Hi._

He types and deletes a million other things, debating about the right thing to say. Finally, he concludes: _What are you doing?_

 _Go away,_ Rey writes.

A response! At last! Overjoyed, Kylo writes: _Can I ask you something?_

 _No._

 _Are you dating someone else?_

No response. Not even the three little dots to show she is typing. Nothing.

So this is how Rey wants to play. That's okay. Kylo can wait. He can wait all day…

Five seconds later, he writes: _Not that I care. Just wanted to know._ He presses send, then wishes he could delete the text whizzing through space from his phone to hers. How could he be so stupid?

 _Seriously?_ Rey writes.

Ugh. Of course he cares. She knows him so well! That's what he loves/hates about her!

Kylo reaches out with the force and presses the FaceTime icon on his iPhone. When she doesn't answer the first time, he tries again. And again.

"Now's not a good time," Rey snaps when she picks up on the fifth or sixth request (or is it the seventh? Kylo has lost track…).

"You look nice," Kylo says. Actually, she looks gorgeous. Her hair is up in the three iconic space buns, and she's wearing a touch of lipstick and a hint of eyeliner. Then Kylo curses himself for sounding like an idiot. He should have said something ominous, or dark, or even emo. Not just a cliched line.

Rey rolls her eyes. "Thank you. I'm hanging up, Ben. Don't call me again."

"Wait," Kylo says.

She exhales sharply. When he doesn't respond right away, she asks, "What do you want?"

"To see you," he blurts out. Ugh. Way to sound desperate.

She rolls her eyes. "You can't have the lightsaber. Plus, you bloody well broke it."

"You're the one who broke it," Kylo snaps.

"You broke it, Ben," Rey says flatly. "And I'm the one who fixed it. Kind of like a metaphor for our failed relationship…"

"It belongs to me!" he snaps. Then he catches himself, sighs, and runs a hand through what he hopes is his stylishly tousled hair. Rey should be his, too. She belongs to him.

He props his iPhone on the table, tries to collect himself. But the new position gives Rey a broader view of his bare torso, half covered in waxing strips, the other half red and tender and hairless.

"Bloody hell, Ben, why are you always naked when you call me? I'm hanging up —"

"Don't."

"Then tell me why you're calling!"

He wants to tell her that he misses her, but he can't because dark force users don't miss their arch nemesis. What would Darth Vader do?

Before he can answer, there is the sound of a door opening and closing on the other end, and a strange voice—a male voice—says, "Hey Rey, we better leave. The movie starts soon."

"Who's that?!" Kylo hisses. "Are you going on a date?"

The phone moves, and then Kylo is face-to-face with ex-storm trooper F2187.

"Dude," Finn says. "You have got to stop calling."

"Fuck you," Kylo snaps.

Beep. The connection dies, and Kylo is left staring at himself.

Goddamn. So she is dating someone else!

#

"She's the only one who really gets me," Kylo says, staring up at the ceiling as he reclines on a couch.

"Tell me more," says a tentacled space alien with three heads. Its name is Zebab Mcgee, and it is a rare extraterrestrial that can magically resist force choking, which is the only reason it has outlived Kylo's other shrinks. Kylo likes that Zebab is a gender-neutral creature; that way, he doesn't have to take out his daddy and mommy issues on it.

"We're connected by the force now," Kylo says. "It's like, deep. Also, she's really pretty."

"So you're attracted to her?"

Kylo clears his throat. "It's more of a spiritual connection."

"I see," his therapist says. It takes notes on a legal pad with one tentacle and scratches its third head with the other. A total of twenty-six eyeballs blink at Kylo.

"Don't look at me like that," Kylo snaps.

Zebab lowers its many eyes.

"It's not like I'm lonely or anything," Kylo says, though he doesn't convince himself, let alone his therapist. "I don't bloody miss Snoke. My so-called master manipulated me and toyed with my emotions. I'm glad I—er, I mean, Rey—killed him."

"Was Snoke like a father figure to you?"

"Are you trying to say I have daddy issues?" Kylo gets ready to force choke, then remembers he can't, and clenches his jaw instead.

Zebab opens its tentacles, suction cup side up in surrender. With another tentacle, it loosens its tie and unbuttons its collar. "I wouldn't presume, sir."

Kylo relaxes a little bit on his couch.

"I do think it's interesting that you killed your father."

"Um, thanks. I think."

"You also attempted to kill your uncle multiple times."

Kylo tenses again. "He was going to kill me!"

"Of course, of course." Zebab nods all three heads, then the head on the right speaks, the one it uses when Kylo is agitated because it speaks more softly. "Was your uncle like a father figure?"

Kylo bows his head and crosses his arms, trying not to appear sulky. "No."

"What about Snoke?"

"Fuck Snoke!" Kylo bellows, his hands twitching on his lightsaber.

"I can see that you're angry."

"OF COURSE I'M ANGRY!"

Zebab switches on the aromatherapy diffuser. Lavender and peppermint mist the air.

It gets Kylo every time. His mother used to give him peppermint tea as a kid when he couldn't sleep, and she always smelled like lavender. Kylo realizes he is standing. With a sigh, he plops back down on the couch.

"I don't want to talk about those assholes," Kylo says. "I want to talk about how I can get Rey to like me."

#

It's been three days since he sent Rey flowers, but she still hasn't texted him. Kylo, trying to respect Rey's wishes as per his therapist's orders, has not texted her. Not that he hasn't thought about it (like at least five or six or twenty or a hundred times a day).

"Kylo Rey? Um, Sir?"

Kylo blinks up at Hux. Frowns.

"I mean, Supreme Leader, uh, Sir."

Kylo stops himself from rolling his eyes. "What do you want?"

Hux presses his lips together in a thin line. Purple-red blotches arise on his cheeks and neck. "Should we negotiate with the planet now, Sir?"

"Blow it up," Kylo says. Nothing matters if he can't get Rey to like him.

"Excuse me, Supreme Leader?"

"I said," Kylo retorts, rising from his seat and hoping the heels on his new boots make him taller then Hux, "blow it up."

"Ah, I'd like to point out, Supreme Leader, Sir, that the planet contains valuable resources—"

"Don't care," Kylo snaps.

Hux turns a darker shade of purple. "Sir, we have bases on that planet. We have men stationed—"

Kylo is about to force-choke the idiot when his phone beeps and vibrates. Forgetting Hux completely, Kylo checks his phone.

 _Thanks for the roses,_ Rey writes.

"Um, Sir –"

Kylo holds up a hand and force shoves Hux against the wall because Rey is typing.

 _The black color is…creative. Anyway, they smell great. Thanks for remembering my birthday._

Kylo almost spazzes out. He _had_ forgotten her birthday! But he had been so in tune with the force—so in tune with her—that it had worked out. Yes for being the most powerful dark force user in the history of forever!

 _Of course,_ Kylo writes back. _Remember that you're special to me._ – Send. Oh, yes! That was really good!

Hux groans from the floor, mopping his bloody nose with his sleeve.

"I guess we'll blow up the freaking planet then," the general grumbles as he crawls to his hands and knees.

"Actually," Kylo says, "Let's negotiate. No need to waste a whole planet."

The look Hux gives him might kill, if Hux were a dark force user. Too bad for him he's just a nobody.

"As you wish, Supreme Leader," Hux grits out.

#

Meanwhile, in a galaxy far far away from Kylo's but close to our own:

"That will be $7.99 ma'am," Hux says to a little old lady.

"I can't afford twenty dollars for a spatula," she says, holding said spatula like a weapon. "That's highway robbery. You all ought to be ashamed! I want my money back!"

"You haven't paid us yet, ma'am," Hux seethes, wishing she would adjust her hearing aid.

"Manager Hux?"

Hux freezes at the sound of Kylo's voice—his poor excuse for a boss.

"Yes, Supreme Leader —er, I mean, Executive Manager," Hux grits out from his partially clenched teeth.

Kylo smiles, but it makes his eyes glint dangerously.

"This young man is trying to rip me off!" The old lady says, lowering the spatula. She turns a gap-toothed smile to Kylo.

"Well ma'am, I'm happy to let you know that you're talking to the Supreme Leader—ah, I mean new CEO of Target—"

"What?!" Hux sputters.

Kylo actually puts his hand on Hux's face and pushes him away.

"Here at Target, we believe the customer is always right. How much did you say the spatula was?"

"$7.99, plus tax," the old lady says primly.

"That's what I—" Hux begins, but Kylo takes the spatula from the customer with a _can I borrow this for a sec?_ and whaps Hux on the head so hard, his ears ring.

Kylo hands the cackling old woman back her spatula. "You know what, after everything you've been through, just take it."

"Oh, I couldn't do that!" she says, little anime hearts shining in her eyes.

"Of course you can," Kylo says. "Since my boss died suddenly of arsenic poisoning—I mean, of a heart attack—I really am the Supreme Leader of Target, and I can do whatever I want."

"I've been working here for twenty years!" Hux shouts from a safe distance of five feet away. "I worked my way up the ranks from a lowly plastics assembler in the China division to selling shoes in this store to—"

"No one cares," the old lady screeches.

"But I had to deal with sweaty feet! And bunions!" Hux cries, holding a chair between him and the hag who is waiving the goddamn spatula like a lightsaber. "It took me another five years to work up to manager, and this snot-nosed high school kid just walks in and–"

Hux can't speak anymore; Kylo is force choking him.

"Thanks again for the spatula," the lady says to Kylo in a lovesick voice.

* * *

 _I love General Hux so much. Thanks for reading! Please leave a review if you liked._


	2. Chapter Two: Psychic Skype Fail

Thanks for the kind reviews and PMs friends. Shout out to lishishur29 who totally schooled me: Kylo Ren and his posse are not Sith Lords 0.o I seriously had no idea. The stress of writing for a new fandom! I have updated accordingly, and I seriously appreciate it.

Please enjoy chapter two! And don't hesitate to school me in the ways of the force y'all:)

* * *

 _Chapter Two: Psychic Skype Fail_

Meanwhile, in a galaxy that actually is far, far away…

"Rey, I don't know why you don't block that asshole," Finn says while they eat fast food after the movie.

"There's still good in him," Rey says around a mouthful of fries. "Also, he brought me flowers for my birthday."

"I got you daisies because I knew they were your favorite," Finn grouses. "He got you goth roses."

"Poe got me red roses," she says with a dreamy sigh.

Damn. This is what happens when you are raised as a stormtrooper. Finn should have known that roses were the way to go. Even Kylo fucking Ren knew to get her roses.

"Even if there is still good in him," Finn says, "you don't have to take his calls. You could block him."

Rey shakes her head. "It's complicated."

"What," Finn says, "you have a deep psychic and spiritual connection that allows you to make out telepathically?"

Rey gasps. "How did you know?"

"… Wait. Seriously?"

Rey blushes a light shade of pink. "… You were joking."

"Um, Yeah."

Rey clears her throat. "Um, so the real problem is, the First Order owns all the cellular companies. So…"

"… Kylo owns your phone," Finn says flatly, "so you can't block him."

Rey groans. "Finn, don't—"

"This is just another example of the capitalist agenda," Finn says, gesturing wildly with a french fry. "When there's a monopoly on goods and services, the market stagnates. We live in a police-state galaxy where—"

"Finn, I know, I know," Rey gasps, swinging her arms wide in exasperation. "You've ranted about this before."

Finn huffs.

"I mean," Rey says, "I agree, of course. The Empire sucks. I just don't give a damn for intergalactic Marxist theory."

He tries not to let his face fall. "Rose likes my political discussions," Finn says.

"Oh." Rey glances away. "Well." She clears her throat. "I've got to get going. Poe was going to show me his cockpit today."

"…"

Finn can't speak. Just…not even.

#

Later that day:

"Yeah, totally," Rose says, handing the joint back to Finn. "The workers should own the means of production."

"Exactly!" Finn exclaims. "If there's anything we've learned from the evils of the Empire, it's how colonialism is used to extort native planet populations for their labor and resources."

Rose exhales a long plume of smoke. "Far out, Finn. You are like, totally deep."

#

Meanwhile:

 _So, Rey, you know what's totally awesome about the dark side?_ Kylo texts. When she doesn't answer, Kylo starts to fidget. Come on, come on. Where is she where is she where is she?

As per his therapist's dating tips, Kylo has been trying to be less stalker-ish and more potential boyfriend-ish, but it's hard.

 _I wrote a poem about you today,_ Kylo writes.

Still no response.

 _Do you want me to send it to you?_

Nothing.

He can't take it anymore. Psychic Skype time! Kylo reaches out with the force —

"Seriously, Ben?"

Kylo blinks. Rey is in bed with a man Kylo recognizes as the lead pilot of the resistance. Poe is smoking a post-coital cigarette and says, "Whoa babe, what's going on?"

Rey takes advantage of Kylo's moment of stunned surprise and bitch slaps him with the force. Their connections snaps and Kylo is left reeling.

His first thought is, _But I bought her flowers!_ His second thought is, _Someone is going to pay!_

Just then, there's a knock on Kylo's office door.

"I brought you your space tacos," Hux says. "You want me to bring them in, or should I leave them by the door?"

The door creeks open slowly as Kylo pushes it with the force. It's time to use his human punching bag.

#

Zebab has another dating plan for Kylo, and that plan is to kill Rey's boyfriend, Poe. Okay, so maybe it was Kylo's plan, and all three heads of Zebab tried to talk him out of it. Whatever.

Kylo has promised Hux that he will stop force choking him FOREVER if he can find the rebel base and blow it up.

Of course, Kylo is totally LYING, but if all goes well, he'll give Hux a force choke vacation for maybe a couple of weeks as long as Hux doesn't do or say anything completely stupid, which is unlikely.

Kylo is pacing the command deck while Hux shouts orders and whips stormtroopers (literally, with a corded leather whip he'd found on a pet store planet where they torture puppies and kittens because that's just how evil the First Order is) while he holds an ice pack to his black eye.

Suddenly, Kylo's phone buzzes in his pocket, and he half jumps. Fumbling a little in his haste, Kylo reads, _You're planning something stupid, aren't you?_

Kylo clenches his teeth. How could she know? Well, screw her. He's not going to text her back. Let her see how it feels.

 _I can feel it in the force, you know._

Kylo feels super smug that he's not responding. He is a bigger and better person than this girl from nowheresville.

Hux comes over to tell Kylo something, but the Master of the Knights of Ren holds up a hand because Rey is typing. Hux, wisely, says nothing.

 _Ben, I do love you. It's just —_

"What?!" Kylo shrieks. He is so startled, he accidentally force-melts the phone in his hand. How dare she! That bitch!

She loves him.

She should be his! Here, ruling the galaxy with him! He saw her joining the dark side in a vision when their hands brushed.

She loves him.

She slept with another man! She betrayed him—JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!

"Um, Sir—"Hux begins.

"NOT NOW!" Kylo roars. To his credit, Kylo does not punch, choke, or shove Hux, mostly (entirely) because he wants the general to find the rebel base and blow it up into tiny microscopic dust particles, now more than ever.

Hux, like a frightened mouse, scuttles across the command deck and hides behind a stormtrooper.

"We found the rebel base!" Hux cries.

But Kylo is still reeling. The other half of his dark, dark soul—the light half, infinitely beautiful and matching him in power, loves him. She _loves_ him. She loves _him!_

He looks down at his melted phone. Crap. "I'd better check my messages on my iPad," he mutters, stalking back to his emo space cave.

"WAIT!" Hux cries. "WE FOUND THE REBEL BASE!"

Kylo whirls around. "Goddammit Hux, why didn't you say so in the first place?"

Hux's eyes roll back in his head. He faints and collapses to the floor. Which is totally weird, because Kylo isn't touching him with the force at all.

* * *

 _Thanks for reading! Please review :)_


	3. Chapter Three: What's a Narcissist?

Oh my god you guys, publishing every day is insane. Big thanks to all the readers out there. Your reviews and PMs make my day.

Enjoy:

* * *

 _Chapter Three: What's a Narcissist?_

In an alternate dimension:

"I'm sorry Ben," Rey says, adjusting her poodle skirt to cover her knees. They're sitting underneath an apple tree on their college campus, where they are both studying to be lawyers: Ben, a prosecutor, and Rey, a public defender.

Rey is one of only ten women at the prestigious New England university. Though she is an orphan and here on a full scholarship, while Ben's family owns the place and has been training him in the way of the law since childhood, Rey is his intellectual equal in every way. Though he'll never admit it, she's a better lawyer as well.

"I don't understand," Ben says dumbly. He reaches for her hand, but she brushes him away.

"I do love you, Ben. It's just—"

"What?!" Ben roars. "I have everything. Power! Good looks!"

A squirrel in the tree above chatters with laughter. Ben picks up a rock and throws it at the creature, but he misses.

"I could give you power," Ben continues, trying to reason with her. "Together, we could rule the galaxy—I mean, the justice system!"

Rey stands up, blotting her eyes with a handkerchief. "Ben, you are such a narcissist."

"I am not—what's a narcissist?" he asks, standing as well because he hates it when other people are taller than him.

"It's someone who only thinks of himself and blames other people for his mistakes!" Rey cries. "You are a controlling, manipulative bastard, and that's why I'm dumping you."

"You can't dump me!" Ben shouts, face going red. "You're nothing without me! This is your fault! You're the one who's selfish! You can't abandon me like this! I own you!"

He moves to grab Rey's wrist, but she's quicker than he is. She brings up her knee swiftly and gets him in the nuts.

"I never want to see you again!" Rey cries as she sprints across the quad.

"You belong to me!" Ben howls after her, the effect of his words ruined, perhaps, because he is curled up on his side clutching his family jewels. "I'll never let you be free! I—"

Whatever toxic, abusive crap he was going to spew is lost because at that moment, the squirrel he had tried to kill leaps down from the tree and starts clawing at his eyes.

"My face!" Ben cries. "My beautiful face!"

"That's the only thing you had going for you, jerk," the squirrel says, dragging its claws across his flesh.

Ben will always have a scar from this day, in the same place where, in another universe, Kylo has marks from his lightsaber battle with Rey. Unlike in the Starwarz universe, however, this scar stays in one place between the first and second movie.

In this world, Ben will like to think that his scar makes him look fierce and rugged, an impressive opponent on the courtroom floor.

But years down the road, when Rey slaps Ben with a restraining order, then successfully defends herself in court as to why she had to use a shotgun against Ben, and he's the one to go to jail instead of her, Ben can neither get a girlfriend or a job after his mommy and daddy pay his bail.

#

And back to a galaxy far, far away:

"Oh crap," Rey says. "The First Order is coming to attack the rebel base. I can just feel it."

Princess Leia pats Rey's hand in sympathy. "We will have to do what we always do."

"Fight?" Rey asks hopefully.

"No," Leia says. "Evacuate and jump to lightspeed."

"I have a better plan," Rey says.

#

Kylo dashes to his room and reads the rest of Rey's text: _Ben, I do love you. It's just that you keep choosing the dark side. You want to destroy people and planets, not help them. You are a murderer. A tyrant. A villain. Unless you want to help yourself and come back to the light, I can't help you._

Ben is confused—everything she says about him is purely positive. He's an awesome, murdering, bad-ass dark force user. Who wouldn't admire that?

 _I don't understand,_ Kylo writes back.

He can practically feel her heaving a sigh through their connection in the force. He reaches out to her mind—

She slaps him away.

 _It's over, Ben,_ she writes. _I can't help you if you can't help yourself._

 _Don't do this over text,_ Kylo writes back frantically.

The three little dots show she is typing, but her answer seems to take forever. Kylo is just about to break the iPad when the message finally comes through: _If you decide you want to come back to the light, call me. Otherwise, I'm not interested._

What. The. Fuck. With all of his might, Kylo reaches out into the force and opens his psychic hotline to Rey.

"What part of 'no' did you not understand?" Rey snaps, exasperated.

For a moment, Kylo is rendered speechless as he takes in the scene before him. Rey is in bed, and on either side are Poe and Finn, both looking very smug. Kylo roars with rage and breaks off the connection.

"BLOW UP THE BAAAASE!" Kylo roars. His iPad flies out of his hands and catches on fire. His Apple insurance is so not going to cover that.

#

Meanwhile—

"I told you it was a good plan," Rey says.

"He seemed pretty pissed off," Finn says. "But are you sure that was really a good idea?"

Just then, Rose walks in; she takes in the scene. "Mother fucker," she says, reaching for her taser.

"Rose!" Finn cries, jumping out of bed and holding a pillow to his bottom half. "This isn't what it looks like! We were setting a trap for—"

Too late. Rose tasers him mid-sentence.

Rey restrains Rose gently but firmly with the force. "Sorry babe," she says.

Poe explains. "We're riling up Kylo Ren so he makes piss-poor decisions in our upcoming battle."

"Oh," Rose says, feeling sheepish. Rey releases her, and Rose replaces her weapon in its holster. "So you guys were just acting."

Rey blushes. "Um…"

"We didn't think you'd be interested," Poe says, getting out of bed. He doesn't bother with a pillow like Finn did. Rose's eyes bulge out of her head. "Should we have another go?"

#

In an alternate galaxy called Hollywood:

Daisy Ridley sips a Diet Coke through a curly straw and stares down at her phone. Adam Driver is texting her. Again.

 _Sorry Adam,_ she writes back. _Can't hang out tonight._

 _Oh,_ he writes back. A moment later: _What about tomorrow?_

Oh God, this is awkward. How do you tell your co-star that you just aren't interested?

… _Is this because of my performance in_ Girls? _Did you find my character annoying?_

 _No,_ Daisy writes back hurriedly. _I'm just really busy._ Filing my nails. Watching the paint dry on the wall. Literally doing anything else.

 _Oh. Okay. Just wanted to practice lines with you._

Daisy sighs. Ever since Adam proposed to the director that there should be a steamy Reylo love scene in the third movie (or the ninth movie, whatever), things have been weird. _This wouldn't happen to be the scene you wrote, would it, Adam?_

 _:( You didn't like my scene._

Daisy sighs, sending bubbles through her straw into her Coke. _Adam, no offense…but it kind of read like fan fiction._

He sends her the poop emoji and says no more.

How mature. Daisy rolls her eyes and finishes her drink, then slams the empty glass down to the table and exhales sharply.

"I wouldn't sleep with Adam Driver if he were the last man on earth!" she cries, turning her phone face-down and shoving it away from her. "His head is totally disproportionate to the rest of his body!"

The bathroom door in her trailer opens, and steam billows out as Kelly Marie emerges, a pink towel wrapped around her.

"What was that, babe?" Kelly asks. She leans down and kisses Daisy on the lips.

Daisy sighs as the kiss ends and says, "Oh, it was nothing."

* * *

 _Tomorrow, the epic showdown begins! Thanks for reading friends. Please review ;)_


	4. Chapter Four: Or Else What?

You guys are awesome. Thanks for all the rad reviews. And happy Valentine's Day:)

And now, the SHOWDOWN between the Rebels and the First Order!

* * *

 _Chapter Four: Or Else What?_

"I still don't understand why you text him back," Poe says as he places another time bomb on the main reactor of Kylo's ship. "I mean, you know. He's a dark force user."

"And unhinged," Finn adds, affixing his bombs to the main pillars in a smiley-face pattern.

"And his torso is totally disproportionate to the rest of his body," Rose adds, snickering as she arranges her bombs in a daisy pattern.

Rey colors. "There was this one time we brushed fingers, and I saw that there was still good in him. Also, I find him weirdly attractive," she says as she uses the force to stick her bombs to the ceiling in a giant heart shape.

#

Meanwhile—

"We have the base totally surrounded, Sir," Hux says smugly, a rabid gleam in his eyes.

Kylo looks out of the window. The water planet Piscesesi is blue, shining in the star-studded vastness of space. First Order starships, star destroyers, star cruisers, and star killer thingies hover above the planet like a cloud of locust ready to devour it.

"BLOW IT UP!" Kylo roars. "Destroy! Destroy!" He is practically foaming at the mouth.

"Right away, Sir," Hux says. "Majors—"

"General Hux, Sir," one of the crew interrupts. "There is an incoming communication from the Rebel base. It's Kylo Ren's mother."

"I have no mother," Kylo pouts. "I was magically created by the mitochondria."

General Hux clears his throat.

"What?" Kylo snaps peevishly, his hands itching to force choke the idiot.

"Um," Hux says, looking at the floor, "I rather thought it was midi-chlorians—"

Hux breaks off abruptly—so much for not choking Hux.

The communications officer falls to one knee. "Yes, of course, Supreme Leader. The woman only _claims_ to be your mother, ah, Sir. Supreme Leader. Best dark force user ever. Sir."

The main video console switches on, revealing Princess Leia.

"Son," she says.

Kylo rounds on his underling, who waves his arms in protest.

"He didn't put me on," Leia said. "When you took too long, we hacked our way into your system. This is broadcasting to all of your ships, and on Facebook Live to the entire galaxy, just so you know."

Kylo gapes up at the image of his mother. "We're going to blow up your base once and for all, and there's nothing you can say to make me stop it, mom!"

Collective gasp.

Princess Leia smirks.

Hux, having just recovered from his force choke, says, "Kylo, I thought you said the mitochondria—"

Force choke!

"This isn't _A Wrinkle in Time_ you fucktard!" Kylo snaps at the asphyxiating Hux. "Midi-chlorians gave birth to me!"

"I gave birth to you," Princess Leia shouts, "though sometimes, I wish I hadn't. Look, Benny, you are a son only a mother could love. And I still love you, I do. But you've got to stop with all this whining emo crap."

"I do not whine!" Kylo whines. "Cut the communication!"

"We're trying to, Sir! We can't seem to—" the connector dude says before Kylo force chokes him.

"You do too whine," Hux says, then gasps as Kylo chokes him, too.

"Ben Solo, you clean your room right now or else I'm taking away your video game privileges! Oops, flashback. I mean, Ben Solo—"

"Mom," Kylo whines, "My name is Kylo. Kylo Ren. It's a badass name."

"Ben Solo, you behave and turn your spaceships right around!"

"No!" Kylo stamps his foot. "I won't do it!"

"There are consequences to your actions, Ben."

"What the crap could you possibly do?" Kylo retorts. "I have all these giant overpowered starships training their radioactive canons on you!"

"By our estimates," Leia says, "you still need fifteen minutes to fully charge your canons. So back off, or else."

"Or else what?!"

"Or else I'll show your crew and the entire galaxy home movies proving what a good childhood you had, and that you are just another white, privileged male ruining the galaxy because you have an inferiority complex."

Hux gasps out, "And daddy issues—" Force choke.

Kylo gapes up at his mother. "You wouldn't," he whispers.

She levels him a stern glare. "Oh, I so would. What's your answer, son?"

* * *

 _Thanks for reading! Please send your fanfic writer a Valentine via your kind review:)_


	5. Ch Five: Welcome to the Dark Side, Babe

I love you all. Seriously. I do feel the love:)

How do you all like these AU shorts? If you don't like them, I can start cutting them out. But if you DO like them, feel free to leave a request in your review and I'll write mooooore!

Also, question: I've been having a super deep conversation with the lovely Lady The Warrior, and we're wondering: did they CGI Adam Driver's body to look disproportionate to his tiny head? I don't know, did they think that the villain needed to have bigger muscles or something? Let us know what you think.

Enough philosophy. Enjoy the next chapter!

* * *

 _Chapter Five: Welcome to the Dark Side, Babe_

In a galaxy called upstate New York:

Camp director Luke S. Walker is prowling the grounds of Geddai sleep away camp for two missing teenagers. The two were reportedly seen in their bunks at lights out, but were missing at midnight check.

What is especially disturbing is that one camper, though a CIT, is a no-good, rotten, spoiled goth kid who is 18, while the other, a usually upstanding though headstrong Geddai camper, is 17. While Luke can understand—he remembers being a teen himself—rules are rules. If the two are caught sucking face, it can mean huge legal trouble for the camp if an underage camper hooks up with a camper who is "technically" an adult.

And technical is the operative word here, because the eighteen-year-old camper is Ben, who sadly is also Luke's nephew. Since Luke jointly owns the camp with his sister, it's not like he could deny the brat admittance. Luke has lectured Ben about his sacred duties as a CIT, to no avail. Mostly because the head counselor, S. Noke, lets him get away with murder.

Luke has checked the pond and counted the rowboats to make sure they are all docked. He's checked the mess hall and the clubhouse. The treehouse and the rainbow bench—nicknamed by the kids as the make-out bench—all come up empty.

"When I get my hands on that kid," Luke mutters. He turns his flashlight to the trail in the woods. It's dark under the trees, and his light seems to cast more shadows than illumination, so he turns it off.

With only the moon to guide his way, he practices the art of silent stepping—toe, heel, toe, heel—just like how they teach the kids in the woodcrafting class.

He's halfway down the trail and just about to give up and head back when he hears a cough. As quietly as a hunter stalking prey, Luke tip-toes forward.

"Are you sure we should be doing this?" Rey asks.

"It's fine," comes Ben's I-want-you-to-think-I'm-cool voice. "I, like, own this place."

Luke creeps forward until he can see them through a gap in the trees. Are they smoking cigarettes? Oh, Ben Solo is so dead.

"But isn't pot like, illegal?" Rey pipes up.

"Welcome to the dark side, babe."

The hairs on Luke's arm stand on end. _What_ did he say? Luke is so stunned, he can't move, can only watch as Ben takes a hit of a marijuana cigarette, then lowers his face close to Rey's. Luke's shocked brain realizes that Kylo is going to press his lips to hers to breathe the smoke into her mouth—two totally illegal things at once.

The thought kicks Luke into action. He turns on the flashlight and whips the beam of light at them as he shouts, "Rey—no!"

Rey springs away from Ben, leaving him gaping after her with his kissy face, like a fish gasping for air, which would almost be funny if Luke weren't so rip-roaring mad.

"I didn't smoke any!" Rey shrills.

Luke softens the angry look on his face and turns to Rey. "You're not in trouble," Luke says to her as gently as he can. "But you," he says, facing his crap excuse for a nephew, "you are getting kicked out of camp."

"You can't do that!" Ben says, tears making his thick eyeliner run in black blotches. "I want to talk to Sammy Noke! I want my lawyer! You're just an old jerk with a messy beard—ouch! Lay off me!" Ben yelps as Luke drags Ben after him by the ear.

"I'm taking you straight to your father, young man. It's time somebody taught you not to be such a little shit."

#

Meanwhile:

"Oh crap, guys," Rey says. "I think Kylo just sensed me.

#

The stormtroopers and commanders alike are rolling around on the deck. Hux, in particular, is kicking his legs like a beetle stranded on its back, with tears streaming down his face.

The problem is, Kylo can't force choke every single person on deck at the same time.

"How long until the canon is charged?!" Kylo roars over the hysterical laughter and the video of his third birthday party, where he is running around naked and smearing birthday cake all over their pet dog. And on the walls of their house. And then, over his face and arms.

"You think that's good?" Princess Leia says. "Just wait until you see Benny when he's five—he loved dressing up like superheroes and dancing to ABBA."

"Nooooo!" Kylo doesn't know how much more he can take of this.

On screen, three-year-old Ben starts peeing on the cake-crusted dog.

Kylo hides his face in his hands. "Tell me Rey isn't watching this," he mutters, even though it doesn't matter because he is going to blow everything up in ten minutes. But still. At the thought of Rey, he automatically reaches out with the force to stalk her—er, check in on her—and he gasps. This is all a diversion! Rey is on board the ship! And so are her little boyfriends.

#

"I don't think that's a good idea, Rey," Finn says as they race through the corridors of the deadly death starship.

"He should be livid by now," Poe says.

When they reach a corner, they press themselves against the wall. Poe leans out. Motions for them to wait. He whispers to Rey, "he'll be as dangerous as a rabid dog right about now. Yes, he might make stupid mistakes, but he'll also be vicious. Unpredictable."

Rey scrunches up her face. "Poe, don't say that. There is still light in him."

"Honey," Rose says, patting Rey's shoulder. "There's no saving narcissists. The man is pathologically insane. You can't save him."

Rey sniffles. "That's not what my therapist says… This may be my last chance to save him."

Poe peeks out around the corner, motions that the way is clear. They begin running again.

"I don't know," Rose gasps as they sprint down the corridor. "Any therapist worth their salt would say to run away from the abusive boyfriend, not toward him."

Rey exhales sharply. They come to another corner, so they all stop abruptly and try to mask their panting.

"Listen," Rey whispers, "I see the best therapist in the universe, and it says I may still have one more chance to rescue him. I'm not going to waste that chance."

"That sounds really codependent and unhealthy," Poe says.

Rey bristles. "You all go on without me. I'll catch up," she says a bit waspishly. "Kylo's getting close. I'll draw him off."

"Who is your therapist, anyway?" Finn asks, worry plain on his face.

"Zebab Mcgee."

* * *

 _Ploooot twist! Please leave your thoughts—and prompts if you wish!—in your kind review._


	6. Chapter Six: Hux for the Empire 2020

Hey y'all, welcome back! THANK YOU for all the super nice reviews, PMs, and follows. You all rock! Special thanks to Tuvstarr's lost heart who gave me the kindergarten prompt:) If anyone else has an AU prompt out there, feel free to throw it at me.

And now, to the epic battle between GOOD and EEEEEVIL!

* * *

Chapter Six: _Hux for the Empire 2020_

In a galaxy called kindergarten:

The teacher says to draw a picture of their families, and Rey won't let on how upset she is. She can do this. No one needs to know she's an orphan.

She grabs a crayon with more force than is necessary and starts scribbling a picture of her foster family. No need to tell anyone that it's her third foster family, and not her favorite, because the woman can't cook and the man shouts at her if her room is too messy.

Rey accidentally breaks her red crayon half-way through drawing her foster father-ish (she can't bear to call him her actual father; that title is reserved for the vague memory of her real father in her head).

She hates drawing with a broken crayon because it just makes her want to cry more. So she reaches for another—

At just the same time a boy grabs the crayon too, and they end up holding either end, neither letting go.

"I had it first," the boy says.

"Nu-uh," Rey says.

The boy squints at her, which makes his face look all funny, but she is too upset to laugh.

"You're that new girl, aren't you?" the boy says.

Rey squirms, tightens her grip on the crayon.

The boy sighs. "My name is Kylo."

"Rey," she says.

"Listen, Rey," Kylo says, coloring a little when her hand scoots up the crayon and their fingers brush, "I really need that crayon to draw my dad's blood."

Rey is so startled, she almost drops the crayon. Almost. But a hard life has taught her to be a scrapper, and she renews her death-grip on the crayon just in time.

"What are you talking about?" she asks.

She looks over at his picture. There is a meat cleaver in the middle of one of the stick figure's heads. She assumes that must be Kylo's dad.

"Why would you draw that?" Rey says with a frown. "That's mean."

"I hate my dad, and I want to draw a lot of blood on him, so when I give him this picture, he'll know just how much I hate him."

"You're awful!" Rey squeals. "I need that red crayon for my father-ish's red flannel, and I'm not going to give it to you to be a meanie!"

"Give it back!"

"No!"

"It's mine!"

"I had it first!"

 _Crrrack!_ The crayon breaks between them, and they both fall off their chairs from the force.

Kylo starts to cry. Rey brushes herself off, then pries the second half of the red crayon out of his hand.

"Don't be such a baby," Rey says. When he sniffles, she relents. "Here," she says, handing him a green crayon. "You can draw puss and icky stuff coming out of his head."

"But—" Kylo protests.

"That was the last red one," Rey mutters, resigning herself to drawing with a now imperfect crayon. At least, she tries to draw, but stops, because it just feels wrong, especially now that Kylo has her thinking of the color as blood.

Kylo wipes his nose on his sleeve. "Can I have the other half of the red crayon?"

Rey makes a whining sound low in her throat, then tosses him both halves. "At least you have parents," she mutters.

She grabs a blue crayon, hoping her father-ish won't yell at her for using the wrong color.

Kylo pokes her on the shoulder. Hands her half of the red crayon. "Hey," he says. "We can both use it now."

She almost refuses because she really hates broken crayons, but she catches his smile, and she can't help but smile too. "Um, okay," she says. They both start to color in contentment—until they both reach for the last yellow crayon at the same time.

#

Aaaand back to Star Warz:

Kylo Ren's theme music swells darkly as he stalks his prey. Stormtroopers, who swarm the passages like angry bees in a shaken hive, leap out of his way as he sweeps past.

He has set everyone on high alert, and his minions are scouring the ship for intruders, set to kill on site. His bomb squad is removing all the time bombs from the ship's reactor. By his calculations, it is seven minutes until his canons are fired up and take out the infernal rebel base once and for all.

Kylo passes by a monitor in the hall. It shows footage of him as a five year old. One of his playmates is dressing him up in a ballerina outfit, complete with ribbons, pointy shoes, and tutu, and is currently helping young Kylo apply magenta lipstick. A baby-faced Kylo grins from the screen, lipstick smeared all over his face.

A nearby Stormtrooper snickers. Without even looking, Kylo uses the force to punch out both the monitor, which shatters with a satisfying _crunch_ , and the stormtrooper, who topples over like a felled tree.

He can feel Rey in the next room. She isn't moving. Just waiting. For him.

Kylo throws open the door and lunges inside, his black cloak billowing behind.

"You were such a cute baby, Ben," Rey says. "What happened?"

Is she saying he isn't cute now? Kylo crouches into a fighting stance and engages his lightsaber. "You're mocking me."

"No." Rey unholsters her lightsaber and turns it on, the light casting white and blue highlights over her face. He wishes he didn't find her fierce look of determination so attractive. "You were sweet back then."

Kylo takes a cautious step forward. Rey has seen his baby videos. Now, she must die.

"You betrayed me," Kylo snaps.

Rey exhales sharply, raises her lightsaber. "Get over yourself."

"Did you ever love me?!" Kylo shouts, slashing at her, red light crashing on blue with a hiss.

"Yes," Rey says as she parries and twists out of his range. "And I still do."

#

Poe whispers into his communication device. "Is it time yet, General?"

He can practically hear Leia smiling as she says, "Oh, yes. Let's roll the tape."

#

Hux is hiding his giggles behind a gloved hand when the video switches from Ben's baby movies to Princess Leia, Rose, and Finn. Of course, Kylo had punched out all the screens on deck, so Hux and everyone else are watching on their iPhones.

"People of the First Order," Princess Leia says. "We have a common enemy, and that enemy is my son, Ben, who goes by the ridiculous moniker Kylo Ren. I'm sorry that I was a poor parent and produced such a spoiled brat. He is no man; he is just a boy with daddy issues."

"People of the Empire," Rose's prerecorded self says, "don't you get tired of following a megalomaniac who constantly makes poor leadership choices? Who puts himself before you? Who abuses you on a regular basis?"

Unconsciously, Hux touches his black eye, his bruised throat.

"Yeah," says a stormtrooper.

"She's got a point there," says another.

"In a capitalist society," Finn says, while Rose looks on with fangirl anime hearts floating around her head, "systems of oppression are based on hierarchy and control."

"Only a very small percentage are rich," Rose says, "while the majority are poor and then blamed by the rich for the poverty they are forced to endure."

"It doesn't have to be like this," Princess Leia says. "You could choose a better leader. Someone who treats you with the respect every being deserves."

"Respect," Hux mutters. He strokes his chins stubble. "A better leader…"

"Someone who makes good decisions," Finn says. "Who cares about each individual, from the highest commander to the stormtrooper who mops your deck and takes out your space trash."

"You have the power to end the hegemony," Rose says.

"Honestly, people," Leia says, "Hux is a thousand times the leader my wastrel son is."

Hux's mouth drops to the floor with an audible clang.

"He's smart," Finn says. "He makes rational decisions and keeps his emotions in check." Then Finn mutters, "At least in comparison."

"He's competent," Leia says with a wry chuckle. "As a commander, he's constantly coming up with good plans—plans that are ignored by Kylo Ren, to the detriment of the First Order."

Now Hux has anime fanboy hearts bobbing around his head.

"End this farce of poor leadership," Leia says.

"Choose Hux for the Empire 2020," Finn says.

"Mutiny now," Rose says, "for the greater good."

The video cuts off. Dead silence.

"Um, Sir?" a commander says. "Cannons are fully charged. Do you want to, er, you know…" She mimes an explosion with her hands.

Hux revolves slowly to face his underling. "Turn off those guns," he orders. "We have a mutiny to carry out."

Everyone—including the robots—roars with cheers.

#

"We should go back to Rey," Finn says as they hide by the docks. He checks his watch. "We need to get out of here. It's been too long already."

"Always obsessing over Rey," Rose mutters.

"What was that?" Finn asks.

Rose just signs in exasperation.

"Rey told us to leave," Poe says. "She hasn't texted us or anything."

Finn shakes his head. "I know, I just have a bad feeling—"

Rose slaps him on the chest. "It wasn't cool when Han Solo said it, and it's not cool now. Don't jinx us, Finn."

#

Meanwhile:

Kylo and Rey are mere inches apart, their lightsabers locked in mortal combat or whatever. Sparks fly from their plasma blades, the violent colors mirrored in their eyes.

"This is your last chance," Kylo says. "Join me—or die."

"This is _your_ last chance," Rey grits out from partially clenched teeth, her gaze steely. "Come back to the light or stop stalking me."

Kylo sputters in indignation. "I do not—"

"You do."

"I do _not_ —"

"It's called stalking," she says, pushing him back and making him stumble. "Psychic stalking. Text stalking. Facetime stalking. Honestly, Ben," she says, dealing him another blow which he can barely defend against, "you can't take no for an answer!"

"No, I can't!" Kylo roars, recovering and coming in for another attack.

Rey parries, feints right, then scores a glancing blow on his left shoulder. Kylo hisses and stumbles back. The faint smell of burnt cloth and flesh mixes with the strong scent of ozone from their blades.

"My therapist told me to get closure," Rey says. "It told me to try to save you one last time if I could, then to give up at last if I couldn't."

"Therapist?" Kylo asks, eyes widening, the malice in his voice replaced by surprise.

Rey nods, hefts her lightsaber up to an attack stance, but Kylo doesn't advance. He seems curious. Maybe she _can_ save him.

"Yeah," she answers, meeting his gaze. Why does he have to have such beautiful, soulful eyes? "My therapist said I can't help you if you don't want to change. It said—" She breaks off abruptly.

Kylo stalks forward, lowers his lightsaber to the side. "What? Say it. Go on."

Rey swallows. "It said that even though I love you, it doesn't mean I'll be able to save you from the dark side." A single tear rolls down her cheek. "It said if you didn't want to save yourself then I shouldn't bother. That you were a waste of my time. But I couldn't—I just—" She inhales sharply. "I wanted to see you again." She lowers her weapon a fraction, looks at him with shining eyes.

Kylo studies her for a long moment. "…You said your therapist was an 'it.' What… What is its name?" His fingers go stiff and white-knuckled around his lightsaber. He's afraid he already knows the answer.

Rey sniffs. "That's rather confidential, don't you think?"

The lights dim on the ship. They can hear a steady chanting of sorts, but it is far away like a distant humming of insects.

"I think I may already know," Kylo says.

"Ugh," Rey says, stamping her foot, "this is what I'm talking about! You can't just go into my mind and—"

Kylo winces, cuts her off with a wave of his free hand. "I'm not reading your mind," he says. "It's just, I've been seeing a therapist too—"

"What?!" Rey exclaims, finally lowering her lightsaber all the way. "Ben, that's wonderful!"

Kylo colors and is unable to finish his sentence.

Rey gushes, "You've been working out your anger issues!"

"Um, sort of. Uh, yeah…"

"Maybe there is still hope for you!" Rey says.

Kylo thinks that maybe now is not the time to tell her that the only reason he was going to therapy was to try to get Rey back. In any event, the tides are now turning in his favor. He just has a nagging suspicion…

Dark laughter rumbles all around them. Rey and Kylo freeze.

"Well done, my faithful apprentice," says an all-too-familiar voice.

Rey and Kylo stand back-to-back, lightsabers raised and ready to attack.

"Where are you?" Kylo shouts. "Show yourself!"

The villain theme music grows louder. Out of the shadows, a three-headed beast emerges, its many tentacles undulating, its many eyes twinkling with glee.

"Zebab Mcgee!" both Rey and Kylo exclaim.

* * *

 _Thanks for reading! Please brighten up my inbox with a review ;)_


	7. Chapter Seven: Fifty Shades of Rey

Um, I think I'm running a fever today guys, so if this chapter is especially crack-ish...(coughs).

Special thanks to **Poodie** who gave me the prompt "Hunter and Prey" for the opening AU section.

I've spend most of the day feeling awful in bed and reading all the awesome fanfic for the "Feel the Love" challenge. Please check out **Bingbin** 's profile page for a full list of the running fics. And of course, super huge thanks to **fanofthisfiction** for cracking the prompt whip.

Also, quick question friends: **would you like an epilogue?** I sort of wrote an epilogue, but we're only supposed to have seven chapters for the prompt and I don't want to cheat so... Let me know:)

Enjoy!

* * *

 _Chapter Seven: Fifty Shades of Rey (Don't Miss the Climax)_

In a galaxy called the Middle Ages:

Kylo stalks through the forest, his arrow nocked in his bow. He will find the beast who has been trampling his rose garden, and he will destroy it. He fantasizes about how he will taxidermy the monster, make a rug from its hide, and mount its head on the wall, when he hears a twig snap.

The beast is nigh! Kylo crouches behind a boulder, peeks out just in time to see a magnificent unicorn cross his path. Its white coat seems to sparkle in the moonlight like silver, and its horn glitters like diamond. What an animal to add to his collection!

Slowly, carefully, he pulls the arrow back—

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," the unicorn says in a distinctly female voice.

Kylo almost drops his weapon, but doesn't, because he loves destroying beautiful things too much.

"I am Rey, magical unicorn of the forest," says the unicorn. "I trampled your roses because of the abusive way you treat people. But if you raise arms against me," the beast says, "you'll be toast."

"What's toast?" Ben says, rising slowly but keeping his arrow nocked to his cheek.

"Right," Rey says. "This is the Middle Ages. Sliced bread hasn't been invented yet."

"I want you to answer one thing before I kill you," Kylo says.

Rey rolls her horse-ish eyes. "Shoot. Er, I mean, ask your question. Oh, for goodness' sake, lower your weapon!"

Kylo does so and clears his throat. "Well, how come I can see you? I mean, I'm no virgin." He chuckles.

Rey rears up on her hind legs and, before Kylo can dodge, she spears him through the chest with her horn.

"That was, ah, a bit excessive," Kylo gasps with his final breaths, "Don't you think?"

Rey the Unicorn shakes her head and throws him to the ground.

"Right," Kylo wheezes.

The next day, Rey invites her unicorn friends over to her house for tea.

"Nice rug," Poe the unicorn says, gesturing to the black throw. "Is it leather?"

"The stuffed head is a bit gruesome," says Rose the unicorn, looking up at Kylo's glassy eyes and frozen grimace.

Finn the unicorn shakes his head. "This is why I try not to get on your bad side, Rey. You have a t-e-m-p-e-r."

They all laugh. Rey pours them more Earl Grey tea.

#

Aaaaand back to our regularly scheduled program:

"Hux 2020! Hux 2020!" Hux's legions chant.

Hux is imagining all the humiliating and painful ways he can execute Kylo Ren when he and his stormtrooper posse overtake Poe, Finn, and Rose, who are all staring through the ajar door into the room where Kylo and Rey are having their showdown.

"Hold your fire!" Hux orders his troops. Then, "You there—"

"Shhh!" Poe, Finn, and Rose say, fingers held to lips.

Hux sidles up to Poe. "What's—"

Poe cuts him off with a gesture, whispers, "It's the big reveal!"

"Reveal?" Hux whispers back. "Reveal of what?" He shoves Poe aside a bit and presses closer to the door. Hears the dark, velvety voice say, "Well done, my faithful apprentice."

All the blood leaves Hux's face. "It can't be!" he exclaims.

"Shhhh!" Poe, Finn, Rose, and the entire legion of stormtroopers admonish.

#

Zebab Mcgee strolls on its many tentacles toward the center of the room and stands in a beam of light.

"How do you know Zebab?" Rey asks, staring between Kylo and her erstwhile therapist. "And Zebab—what's up with the voice change?"

Fuck, Kylo thinks. This can't be happening. But the problem with being psychic is that Kylo kinda sorta already knows Zebab's identity, even though it's impossible.

"I thought you were dead!" Kylo shouts at Zebab.

Zebab's three heads all chuckle lowly.

"Ben?" Rey asks. "Why would you have killed my therapist?"

Kylo puts a hand over his face. "That's not Zebab," Kylo mutters.

Clutching his lightsaber again in both hands, Kylo advances on Zebab slowly. "Or was Zebab an illusion this whole time?"

The thing chortles, all three heads rolling back with super evil laughter. Suddenly, his form shifts, and his faces contort. The air shimmers with heat as three heads morph into one, and tentacles resolve into the arms and legs of a tall, very evil and very familiar muppet.

Rey gasps. "Snoke—but how?!" She shudders violently. "I trusted you!"

"Whahaha," laughs Snoke. "What can I say? I'm a vile, manipulative bastard."

Rey and Kylo crouch in defensive positions and stand back-to-back. Kylo can't help but notice what a perfect team they are together.

"Everything I said in our sessions was confidential!" Rey shrieks.

"Even the fact that you're in love with my apprentice?" Snoke mocks in a baby voice.

"Shut up!" Rey shouts. "I already told him, anyway."

"What about the fanfic you're writing about him?" Snoke purrs. "The premise is quite racy."

"Oh," Kylo asks, and Rey does _not_ like his interested tone. "What is it called?"

"My fanfic stories are private!" Rey screeches. "Don't you dare—"

Snoke interrupts, "It's called Fifty Shades of Rey: Don't Miss the Climax."

Rey wilts.

"Oh," Kylo says, face turning pink. "That's pretty good. I see what you did there."

"Shut up, both of you," Rey huffs, her cheeks bright red. She points her lightsaber at Snoke. "You're so dead."

"Thank you, Jedi obvious," Snoke retorts. "It's not easy being a force ghost, you know. You don't have to rub it in my face."

"So you're haunting us," Rey says, confusion warring with revulsion on her face.

"I've never heard of a force ghost taking on alternate forms," Kylo says. He points his lightsaber at Snoke as well. "Explain yourself."

Snoke shrugs. "Now that I'm an inter-dimensional being no longer bound by the corporeal rules of fake Starwarz© physics, I zipped over to another universe and drank Polyjuice Potion®."

"What?" Rey says. "You mean, from Harry Potter? You can't bloody well do that. It's cheating!"

"Anyway," Snoke says, ignoring her, "I had a fascinating chat with a type of Sith Lord who excels in the art of mind-raping named Moldywort, and he said—"

"Voldemort," Rey says flatly.

Snoke sniffs. "His _name_ is _Moldywort._ I know, because I met him."

"I only read the series a gagillion times because there was nothing else to do on Jakku. His name is Voldemort."

"Um, Rey," Kylo whispers, "I don't think you're supposed to say his name—"

"Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort!" Rey shouts.

"Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!" Snoke cries. "Oops." He shakes his head. "I mean, Moldywort, Moldywort, Moldywort!"

Poof! A cloud of glitter explodes, and from the sparkly blast emerges the dark lord himself.

"You know," Rey says, "with all that power, you'd think that dark lords could get good dental care. Or plastic surgery. Or even a bloody manicure. Neither of you has ever flossed a day in your lives, have you?"

Voldemort looks quite cross. "Why am I on this confounded spaceship?" he asks, turning around in a full circle, his black robes sweeping the floor.

He _tsks_. "Snoopy," Voldemort says to Snoke, "you know I'm a Star Trek fan, not Star Warz. The science is just all wrong. Plus, I think you're a total wanker for being able to connect Rey and Kylo's minds across the galaxy, but not being able to find Luke fucking Skywalker, even though he was like five feet away from Rey the whole time."

Snoke sputters. "Oh, like you having a baby with Bellatrix was so believable!" he roars. "I mean, just the thought of you having sex with anyone is revolting! Would that be considered necrophilia, since technically, you were brought back from the dead?"

"It—was—FANFIC!" Voldemort screeches, a dark mist swirling around him. "JK said so herself!" POOF! There's an explosion of smoke and bats and diabolical laughter, and Moldywort is gone.

"That was fucking random," Rey says. "Shall we have our epic lightsaber battle now?"

"I'm a force ghost!" Snoke snaps. "What are you going to do? Try to stab me? I don't have a real body anymore!"

"Rats," Rey says.

Clearly still pissed from his encounter with Voldemort, Snoke snarls and gnashes his nasty yellow teeth, and his form grows larger and larger until his head reaches to the ceiling and his transparent body takes up half the room.

"Is this more Polyjuice Potion®?" Kylo asks Rey.

"No," she answers, "I think this is just CGI."

#

Meanwhile—

The sound of R2D2 beeps jingle in the quiet of the hallway and they don't stop. Poe looks around for a droid but spots none.

"It's me," Hux says with a sigh, pulling out his iPhone.

Rose glares at him. "Did you not get the memo to silence your phone before the movie?"

"Can you guys be quiet?" Poe asks. "I'm trying to hear what's happening in there!" He gestures inside at the apparition of Snoke growing as big as the Marshmallow Man.

"Hello," Hux says, cupping his hand around the receiver as if that would mute the sound. "General Hux here."

Three urchins on the casino planet of Canto Bight have a difficult time reigning in their giggles.

The leader, a brown-eyed stable boy who uses the force to mop and sweep because he is lazy, speaks up in a false baritone.

"Hello there, General. This is Larry from the weapons department. We just wanted to see if your blaster was running."

"What?" Hux asks. "Oh, yes. It is running."

Hux hears choked laughter on the other end, then, in a high-pitched voice: "Well then, you'd better go catch it!" The children dissolve into giggles, then hang up.

"Damn prank callers," Hux mutters. "That's the fifth time this week. What did I miss?"

"Shhh," say Poe, Finn, Rose, and the legion of stormtroopers, one of whom grumbles, "Inconsiderate."

Hux bristles and turns his phone to vibrate.

#

Princess Leia sips tea as she sits with Luke's force ghost.

"Regrets?" Luke asks, pretending to drink his own cup of tea, though of course, his is a projection. "I suppose I have a lot. For one, I wish I had left the island more. It got a little lonely."

"Do you do a lot of traveling now?" Leia asks, adding honey to her Earl Grey while Luke watches enviously.

"I went to Bermuda yesterday," Luke says. "It was nice, but I wish I could feel the sun—really feel it, you know?"

Leia does not know, but she nods anyway. "Do any fishing?"

"Yeah." Luke smiles. "Actually, dad joined me for a while. We caught a huge swordfish together! It must've weighed a hundred pounds!" His smile fades. "I wish we could have eaten it. But you know, we're dead, so…" He shrugs.

Leia is a little jealous that Luke got one-on-one time with their father, even if it was just ghost time, but she tries not to let it show.

"Luke? How does the whole force ghost thing work? What do you, you know, do all day? Just hang out in other dimensions?"

"Ah, you know," Luke says. "I keep busy. Helping the light and all that." He checks his watch. "Speaking of which…"

#

"Why did you pretend to be our therapist?" Rey hollers at giant-muppet-villain-fodder Snoke. "Just to be a dick?"

Snoke's laughter booms. "In true muppet-villain-fodder style, I'll explain my genius plan. You see Rey, a REAL therapist would have told you that you can't save a pathological narcissist—it's impossible. But I let you think you had one last chance."

"Damn! I knew I should have Googled it!" Rey exclaims.

"You see, foolish child! Now Kylo has a chance to either turn you to the dark side—or finish you forever!"

"What about me?" Kylo complains. "Why lie to me?"

"Because you would have never listened to me! And if I didn't coach you, you would have never gotten Rey back because you are hopeless when it comes to women and life in general."

"You are such an asshole, Snoke!" Kylo roars, running forward to slash at Snoke's car-sized feet, to no effect.

"Ben," Rey cries, "watch out!"

Snoke picks up Kylo by the scruff of his dark lord cape and lifts him until he is eye to eye with Snoke. All the while, Kylo is waving his lightsaber wildly like he's trying to smash a piñata.

"Do you want to be the Master of the Knights of Ren or not?" Snoke asks.

"I am the Master of the Knights of Ren, you fuck!" Kylo roars.

"And yet," Snoke says, "there is something you want and you're not using your power to get it."

Snoke slaps his apprentice. "Turn Rey to the dark side or destroy her—but stop sending her sappy texts and writing sucky love poetry!"

"They're good poems!" Kylo protests.

"I'd like to hear them sometime," Rey shouts up at him.

Snoke rolls his giant, creepy eyes. "Get down there and be evil," Snoke hisses.

"Fine," Kylo retorts, "but not because you told me to."

Snoke drops Kylo like a piece of dirty laundry, and Kylo uses the force to cushion himself before he splatters to the floor.

"Rey," Kylo begins, "join me. You could have all the power in the galaxy ruling—"

"No."

"But—"

"I said no. No thanks. Just—no."

"She said no," Kylo shouts up at giant Snoke.

"So kill her!" Snoke replies impatiently.

"Which will only prove my point," Rey says.

Kylo blinks at her. "Which is what, exactly?"

"Ben," Rey says, "you can't demand that I change and then threaten me if I don't."

"What? But you do that to me all the time!" Kylo says. "All this crap about turning to the light! That's not me! You like me because I'm dark and tortured and mysterious!"

"Give me a break," says a disembodied voice.

Startled, Kylo and Rey look around.

"Master Luke?" Rey asks.

"Hold on…" Luke replies. A blue light appears, takes the shape of an island-dwelling hermit with a ragged beard and wild hair. As he solidifies, Luke says, "That's better."

"I WILL KILL YOU!" Kylo roars. He starts slashing through Luke's force ghost, but of course, it has no effect. Luke just stands there, eyeing him.

"Who invited you?" Snoke huffs, stomping his huge feet and making the ship rock.

"Rey," Luke says, "you love Kylo, and that's commendable. You want him to change because you want him to improve his life. But like, honestly." He gestures at Kylo, who is still slashing at him, bits of foam flecking his mouth.

"So what do I do?" Rey asks.

Kylo leaps back and doubles over, rests his elbows on his knees and pants, totally winded.

"I mean," Luke says, "I should probably say run away screaming. Or put the rabid beast out of his misery—"

"Fuck you," Kylo says in between gasping for air.

"—but," Luke says, ignoring Kylo, "what I really think you should do is follow your heart."

There's a collective _awwww_ from the doorway. Rey's bottom lip quivers. She closes her eyes, reaches out with her feelings, and gathers the force to her, making the hairs stand up on her arms.

"Ben," she says at last, opening her eyes and facing him, "I won't stop fighting you until I'm dead, and even then I'll come back as a force ghost and haunt you until you see the light because you are the other half of my soul, and I love you."

She only has eyes for Kylo, so she doesn't hear the whistles of the stormtroopers from the doorway, or the muttered curses of Poe and Finn. Nor does she see the pennant that Luke's force ghost is waving that says _The Light is Right!_ Or, Snoke, who has shrunk back down to regular muppet-fodder size, waving a large black foam hand, middle finger up, which reads _Screw the Light!_ on one side and _Dark Users Have More Fun!_ on the other.

Kylo assumes a fighting stance, lightsaber humming. "And I won't stop fighting you," he says. "Not until you belong to me—"

"Creepy," says force ghost Luke.

"—and stand by me in the darkness, because you are the other half of me and the only person who understands me. And if you refuse to join me, you must die."

"That's kind of sweet," Rey says wryly, "if you ignore all the abusive overtones. Let's do this. If I win, you turn to the light."

"Ha," Kylo says. "You'll lose and then turn to the dark side."

"Never!" Rey roars, dealing the first blow. Kylo parries, and their blades hiss as they connect, sending red and blue sparks flying.

#

Meanwhile…

"Hey guys," Rose says around a mouthful of popcorn.

"Shhh!" both Finn and Poe say, mesmerized by the lightsaber fight.

Rose isn't jealous. Nope. Not one bit. That's not the reason why she chucks popcorn at their eyeballs.

"Did we remember to deactivate the bombs?" Rose asks.

"Don't worry," Hux says smugly, stealing some of Rose's popcorn. "Our bomb squad already found them. Mwhaha—"

His evil laughter is cut off by an explosion that rocks the ship.

Rose stumbles against Hux and spills her popcorn. Hux chokes on a kernel.

"Um," Rose says, "did you find the ones on the ceiling? The ones in the heart shape?"

"Fuck," Hux gasps. Today has not been kind to his windpipe.

#

Kylo stumbles, but Rey, who had been half-expecting the explosion, takes advantage of his distraction and scores a hit on Kylo's torso.

"Go Rey!" Luke shouts, waving his team banner.

But Rey doesn't hear him. She holds her lightsaber to Kylo's throat. "This doesn't feel right," Rey mutters. "Ben, are you badly hurt?"

Kylo gives her a look that could melt Haysian smelt. "Um, you just slashed me with a plasma blade. What do you want me to say? Tsk," he says at Rey's gloomy expression. "I'm not turning. Just kill me already."

"But I love you and I don't want you to die. Luke?"

"I mean," force ghost Luke says, "he did ask you to kill him. I'm just saying."

"Oh, shut up, you old fart," Kylo snaps. "Rey, listen to me. I can't change you, and you can't change me. But maybe we can be together anyway. I mean, don't opposites attract?"

Snoke's force ghost boos and shakes his foam middle finger at Kylo. "Be evil! Goddammit, Kylo!"

Rey and Kylo seem not to hear.

Rey says, "Ben, the problem is that you have anger management issues. Also, you're self-centered. And controlling."

Cheers come from Finn, Poe, and Rose in the doorway. A few stormtroopers chime in: "Ditch him!" "You're too good for that space trash!"

"If you're not willing to change," Rey says, oblivious to her fanboys (and fangirl), "any relationship we would have is doomed."

"I mean," Kylo says, "you don't know that. You haven't tried dating me yet."

Puke sounds come from all of the spectators, including and especially Snoke.

"Maybe," Kylo says, "I could treat _you_ differently. You could help me to be, you know, not so dysfunctional. I mean, I'd still be evil and stuff," Kylo shouts as Snoke takes off his foam hand and starts stomping on it, "just not, um, to you. Because you're important to me."

Force ghost Luke covers his face with his mechanical hand. "This is the worst," he mutters.

Snoke bashes his force ghost head against a wall, which is stupid because he just goes right through it.

"That's two things we agree on, Skywalker," Snoke moans. "The death of the Jedi, and how bloody worthless our apprentices are."

"For the record," Luke says, pulling his hood up, "I've retracted my views about the Jedi. And Rey isn't worthless, she's just…" He sighs. "Young and stupid."

"Kylo Ren, though…" Snoke says.

"Yeah," Luke replies. "Worthless piece of space turd."

Kylo isn't listening and neither is Rey. They are too busy making out while the ship explodes all around them.

The evacuation sirens blare. Stormtroopers run about, waving their hands in panic until the ship resembles a kicked anthill. Meanwhile, Finn, Poe, and Rose have to pry Rey's face off of Kylo's.

"What?" Rey asks, looking dazed.

"Escape pod time!" Rose shouts.

"Oh," Rey says, a dreamy smile plastered on her face.

Rey's eyes meet Kylo's. He mimes calling her on the phone. She grins, nods.

Luke's force ghost groans and disappears.

* * *

 _If someone actually writes a fic called "Fifty Shades of Rey," I might piss myself from laughing. Just saying._

 _Thank you so much for reading! You've all been fantastic._ _ **Please review and let me know if you would like an epilogue!**_


	8. The Epilogue: Rey's Anatomy

You guys! Thanks so much for being amazing. I checked in with the lovely Fanofthisfiction, and we decided I should wait a little bit to post the epilogue to keep the Feel the Love Challenge fair for everyone. So thank you for waiting.

Special thanks to Fanofthisfiction not only for the challenge, but for the opening AU prompt: _SaturRey Night Fever, the Reydy Bunch, and Rey's Anatomy_ (the last is my favorite and the funniest thing ever).

Thanks so much for reading friends, and may the farce be with you!

* * *

 _The Epilogue: Rey's Anatomy_

In a galaxy called Television:

It's Saturday night, and Kylo and Rey are curled up on the couch with a bowl of popcorn between them while Kylo flips through the channels.

"Omg, stop!" Rey squeals when she sees HBO is playing Saturday Night Fever. "I love John Travolta!"

Kylo looks between the screen, where a young John Travolta wears some hideous disco suit and is dancing like a clown, and Rey's enraptured face.

"Nope," Kylo says, changing the channel.

Rey protests and tries to swipe the remote from him, but Kylo holds it out of reach. She punches him in the shoulder, tickles him on his stomach, and then, laughing hysterically, knocks the remote out of his hand. The TV flicks to a Brady Bunch rerun.

"We could watch this," Rey says, settling back down and eating the popcorn that has fallen all over the couch.

Kylo rolls his eyes.

Rey chucks popcorn at him, and while he's distracted, she swipes the remote. "Oh lookie! Grey's Anatomy!"

"Rey—" Kylo begins.

"Just shut up and cuddle me on the couch," Rey says.

Kylo sighs—anything is better than John Travolta kitsch or the freaking Brady Bunch—and brushes off the couch before sitting down. Their dog, an overgrown labradoodle named Chewbacca, runs to claim the fallen pieces of popcorn while Rey curls up next to him. He puts his arm around her and prepares to be bored out of his mind.

Five minutes into the episode, lulled by the darkness and the warmth of Rey's presence at his side, he dozes off.

This is what he dreams:

He's wearing a revolting disco suit, and he's at a club, the cheesy retro music blaring. In the window, a neon sign blinks _SaturRey Night Fever!_

Kylo walks up to the bar and gets a drink, promising himself that he won't dance, not while he's wearing some disco suit that his dad might have worn back in the day. Not even in his dreams will he embarrass himself that badly.

Then a beautiful woman in a white dress sidles up to him, her high heels clicking on the floor. It's Rey of course, and she's pulling him to the dance floor.

"Noooooo!" Kylo moans, and with a start, he wakes up.

Rey eyes him. They are sitting in the family room, and Kylo realizes with a sinking sensation that it is the set from the Brady Bunch. Only on the far wall, there's a blinking neon sign that reads _The Reydy Bunch._ Kylo starts to feel sweat beading on his brow and realizes he must still be dreaming.

He and Rey are sitting on a blue couch framed on either side by shabby fake flowers. The shag carpet is extremely shaggy, and Rey's hair is extremely 1970s, in a shag do that does not flatter her features. Kylo looks down. He is still wearing his disco suit from the previous dream. Damn.

"Mom and dad will be here any minute," Rey says, "so you better think about apologizing."

Ew, Rey is his sister in this dream?

"I didn't do anything wrong," Kylo pouts.

Rey rolls her eyes. "Yeah, taking dad's car without permission and then wrecking it is nothing."

Kylo smirks. That is totally something he would do in real life.

The front door opens and in walks Hux, wearing faded jeans that are too tight and show his lack of an ass, a plaid shirt, and a 70s boy haircut that makes his face look like it belongs on a cereal box. "Dad is so going to kill you," Hux says.

Extra gross. Hux is his brother. Hopefully, he's a stepbrother…

"Well, I'm going to kill him," Kylo shoots back.

The laugh track clicks on, but Rey and Hux are not laughing.

"Son," comes a voice from off stage.

"Aw crap," Kylo says, willing himself to wake up. But he can't. He's stuck, helpless to watch as Han Solo enters, and for some reason, he's dressed up like Indiana Jones, complete with scruffy beard and cowboy hat.

"Ben, you are so grounded," Han says.

"Screw you!" Kylo roars.

"No," Han says, "we are going to talk this through until we have a warm, fuzzy ending in approximately half an hour."

Adrenaline courses through Kylo's body. He leaps off the couch and hurdles through the front door, nearly side-swiping his mother who shouts, "Beeeeeen!" after him.

The credits start to roll with the ever annoying and aggravating Reydy Bunch theme song, and Kylo runs for his life—

He stumbles, falls over, and finds himself in a hospital. The lemony scent of disinfectant tickles his nose. He rights himself and dusts off his doctor scrubs.

"Are you okay?" Rey asks, taking his elbow to steady him.

Kylo blinks at her. She is wearing a nurse's outfit, but it is awfully low cut and high cut in all the right places. Also, she's wearing white vinyl platform boots that Kylo finds strangely attractive.

"Um…" Kylo says. He rubs his head. "What show is this?"

"Rey's Anatomy," Rey says with a wink. "I think you might need a physical."

Kylo wakes with a start—really wakes up this time—and falls off of the couch, knocking over the bowl of popcorn. Chewbacca the labradoodle comes bounding over to eat the spoils.

"You snored through the whole episode," Rey complains. "Hey, are you okay? Your face is really red."

"Um, I had a weird dream." Kylo clears his throat. "Can I ask you a random question?"

"I guess so," Rey says.

"You don't happen to have a nurses's outfit…do you?"

#

And back to our galaxy far, far away:

"Do you mind if I ask you a personal question, Hux, Sir?" a lieutenant asks in the break room.

Hux sits in a black padded chair, an ankle propped on his knee. He sips English Breakfast tea out of a white porcelain cup with yellow daisies decorating the rim.

Hux nods and takes another sip, pinky up.

"Well Sir," the lieutenant says, glancing down at the black marble floor, "I know our mutiny was forgotten in the chaos of the evacuation. But, um…" He meets Hux's gaze. Swallows. "Things _do_ seem to be better, with, you know…"

"With Kylo?" Hux asks, his smile sharp. "Indeed."

The lieutenant clears his throat. "But, um, Sir. He's literally—er, how shall I put this?"

"Sleeping with the enemy, you mean?" Hux hazards.

The lieutenant's eyes widen. He dashes to the door, opens it, and looks both ways down the hall. He relaxes a fraction, closes the door again and locks it.

"That's rather a crude way of putting it," he says, "but—yes."

Hux smiles, then takes another sip of tea (pinky up), motioning for the other man to sit back down.

"You see this?" Hux says, pointing to his throat. "And this? And this?" he says, pointing to his eyes and nose.

"Um, what exactly, Sir?"

"No bruises!" Hux shouts triumphantly, a bit of tea sloshing over the side of his cup in his enthusiasm.

The man's eyes grow as wide as the yellow daisy tea saucer. "My stars," he breathes.

"Kylo and I came to an agreement, you see," Hux says. "If he acts like a bloody prick, I'll text his girlfriend."

"Ooooh," the lieutenant says, clapping with delight. "That's good."

#

Meanwhile—

"I know you don't want to go, Muffin," Rey says, patting Kylo's arm. "But it's important for our relationship."

Kylo sighs heavily. "I wish we'd never found the real Zebab Mcgee hog-tied and missing a few tentacles in my Darth Vader memorabilia trunk."

Rey _tsks._ "How awful of Snoke! Can you imagine, poor Zebab squished on top of Vader's melted helmet for who knows how long?"

"He pissed on my Vader helmet," Kylo mutters.

Rey elbows him in the side. "He was locked in the trunk against his will, Ben, so that Snoke could use him for Polyjuice Potion®."

"Do you know how hard it is to get alien cephalopod piss out of—oh, never mind," Kylo says. "Listen, I'll _go_ to couple's therapy if I have to. But it's hard. I keep thinking he'll morph into Snoke."

Rey gives his hand a squeeze. "This is exactly why we need to explore your trust issues, Ben."

She leans over to kiss him. He lets her, but he also rolls his eyes and hopes that this means she'll sleep with him tonight.

#

"Would you say Snoke was like a father figure to you?" Zebab says, while another one of his mouths chews on a pen, which Kylo finds revolting.

Kylo closes his eyes. Takes a deep breath. "No," Kylo says. "Can we just talk about the relationship now?"

Kylo checks his watch. Crap. Still eighty-five minutes of therapy left. If he can survive that long without losing his temper, he might, just might, get laid.

"This is part of the relationship, Ben," Rey says. "It's important to understand why you killed three out of three father figures."

Kylo's hand twitches for his lightsaber. "First of all," he says, "I didn't kill Luke. He exhausted himself in a stupid force projection—"

"You bloody well did try to kill him—"

"Zebab?" Kylo interjects.

"Let's let Ben finish talking about his feelings," it says.

At least Zebab is good for something. "Things were just easier when I was evil, okay?" Kylo says. "I just did whatever I wanted, when I wanted. All this crap about feeling and figuring out my attachment failures—" He makes a frustrated gesture with a gloved hand. "I just want to be with you, Rey. Why isn't that enough?"

She rests a hand on his knee. "Because, Ben," she says, "you are psychologically unsound."

Zebab clears all three throats, which is disgusting.

"It's not a judgment!" Rey protests. "It's just a fact!"

"Ben," Zebab says, "how does that make you feel?"

"How does what make me feel?" Kylo asks.

Zebab blinks at him with twenty-six eyeballs. "She just called you psychologically unsound."

"Oh. I don't know." He shrugs. "Should I care?" Kylo asks.

Zebab covers his three faces with many tentacles. "Let's move on, shall we?"

#

Later that evening:

Kylo rows a boat across a triple-moon lit lake, the light silvering Rey's profile as she looks out at the fireflies. She's quiet and pensive and that's never a good sign, but Kylo doesn't know how to break the silence.

"I don't know if I can keep doing this, Ben," Rey says at last, not looking at him.

"Keep doing what?" Kylo asks cautiously.

"I mean," Rey says, "stealing away to neutral planets to meet up for dates and pretending like we're not completely incompatible. You still haven't accepted your mother's invitation for dinner—"

"I can't do that!" Kylo snaps.

"Because she's the leader of the Rebels?"

"No…"

"Because you killed your father." Her voice is flat.

"I mean," Kylo deflects, "yeah, but that's not what I was thinking."

Rey sighs in exasperation. "What _were_ you thinking?"

Kylo stashes the oars on their hooks, trails his fingers in the cold water. "I don't want to talk about her."

Rey crosses her arms. "I want a partner I can share my life with, Kylo."

Uh-oh. She only calls him Kylo when she's pissed. "We share things!" he protests.

Rey starts enumerating points on her fingers. "I can't bring you home because you'd blow it up."

"True," Kylo admits begrudgingly.

"You can't hang out with my friends or you'd try to kill each other."

Kylo heaves a long-suffering sigh. "I guess that's fair," he agrees.

"You want to destroy the Rebels," Rey says, "and we want to take down the First Order. Which you control."

"Um," says Kylo.

"And I forgot to mention," Rey snaps, "that I'm a freaking Jedi and you are a dark force user. I could go on, Kylo, but I'd have to start counting on my toes."

"But we love each other," Kylo says quietly, trying to mask the desperation in his voice.

Rey is quiet for a long time. Kylo starts rowing again, just for something to do.

"This is impossible," Rey says.

"No," Kylo says, his lips quirking up in a failed smile, "this is a rowboat."

"Ugh."

Kylo chuckles nervously. Time to distract Rey from thinking because she's right, of course. He uses the force to arrange the fireflies.

Ever so gently without squishing the phosphorescent bugs, just nudging them on a gentle breeze, he makes a six-foot-tall heart. The golden shape reflects in the still lake, so an echoing, upside-down silvery heart ripples in the dark water. The two hearts together look like a pair of giant, slightly mismatched wings.

Rey scoots closer to him in the boat. He stashes the oars again and puts an arm around her, then releases the fireflies. The bugs slowly spin off in random patterns of pale light.

He kisses the top of her head. As gently as he had held the fireflies, he opens their psychic connection. Rey inhales sharply, then relaxes her head back on his shoulder.

"What do you see?" Kylo says.

Rey closes her eyes. "Darkness," she says sadly. "But also light. And…" She trails off.

She can't say it, so he does for her. "And love."

Her eyes flutter open, lashes damp with tears. "It won't work out, Ben. It can't."

He brushes away the tears trickling down her face with his fingers. "I know," he says. He looks out at the lake, watches the moonlight ripple on the surface of the water. "So let's enjoy it while it lasts."

She hiccups a little. "O-okay."

He smooths down her hair, relishing the feel of her by his side. Reaching out with the force, he gathers the fireflies again into a tic-tac-toe board and places an "X" in the middle box. Rey makes a sound that is half-hiccup, half-giggle.

"Best two out of three," Kylo says. "Loser has to turn to the other side of the force."

Rey slugs him in the shoulder, but she laughs and draws a firefly "O" in the upper right corner. "You're on," she says.

END

* * *

 _Thanks so much for going on this ridiculous Starwarz journey with me. Thank you for reading, and please, review! :)_


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